I’ve recently come across several posts debating old age and whether one should hide the signs or not, and gracious, did opinions on the matter run hot. Today’s world holds so many societal pressures out in front of us that it’s often hard to see clearly through them all. How does one age gracefully amid all of that?

This mid-May I turn 44 years old. Things change in your forties, in case you’re reading this and are young and too blissfully unaware. Your skin is dry yet wants to break out, your sleep patterns are never on a schedule, and no matter how much ice cream you turn away, you still gain weight just by looking at it. Our natural inclination is to fight it because deep down we know the end points to only one destination, death.

To deny the inevitable, we put on a mask. For some it’s as simple as dying their grays, for others it’s as drastic as surgery. Often, this self-ruse has a tendency to last until the end. There are those that do this for their own comfort, others that do it because they are afraid of outside judgment, and those that do it because of a combination of both. I’m not here to tell you whether you’re wrong or right for doing any of the above-mentioned items, but I do want to offer you a different perspective on the aging process.

I was in an abusive relationship for a decade of my life. While I’m now happily remarried, during that first marriage, I was verbally and physically shamed if I didn’t look a certain way, even down to how I styled my hair. In those days, I lived every moment fulfilling someone else’s preferences. By the end, I was depressed, lonely, and void of any self-confidence. When I finally worked up the courage to leave, I had to spend years getting to know myself again and relearning the things I preferred. Making choices to cover up your age because of outside pressures from society runs in the same vein, and in my experience, will hinder your ability to be truly content with yourself.

I’m not saying you give up and embrace the uncouth hag or hobo look, but rather, don’t let your motivation for how you age be dictated by others. The purest form of self-confidence comes from being content with who you are, and no one is perfect. Aging is a natural process, and it happens to everyone. Take time to care for yourself, both physically and mentally.

My great-grandmother on my father’s side was part Cherokee. When I was seven, we traveled down to Georgia, and I got to meet her for the first time. I don’t think she ever knew just how much of a lasting impression she made on me. Every morning, she would have me brush out her straight, gray, waist-long hair and then braid it and put it up into a bun. Even as young as I was, I was so enthralled by how beautiful her hair was, I promised myself that when I got old, I’d have hair just like hers. Her face was also full of age lines, and to little me, the only thing it reflected was how many amazing stories she had to tell. And tell, she did. There was nothing better than a Granny story.

As my own years keep on climbing and my age becomes more noticeable, I find myself looking back at those life lessons and memories more and more. They have taught me to be content with who I am rather than what others dictate I be out of their own insecurities. They have taught me that ageing is a reflection of a life lived and shouldn’t be a cause for embarrassment or something to conceal. For some of us, that life has included some really difficult times, but we fought, persevered, and survived them. Every new wrinkle is a testament to that.

We are each different, unique individuals, which means the aging process will affect us in different and unique ways. My hope is that, however you choose to face that process, it comes from a place of self-contentment, because that is the true key to aging gracefully. Keeping the promise I made to myself all those years ago, I now have waist-long graying hair. It’s also mostly frizz with a side of curl and never behaves, but I wear it proudly, and I hope somewhere up heavenly yonder, it makes Granny smile.